Liquid rules

Trust the Dutch to make money out of the profoundly silly notion that you can thwart global terrorism by carrying your toothpaste and aftershave through customs in a doggy bag.


The so-called liquids rule was introduced at European airports in 2006, after Britain had had a bit of a terrorist scare. Its grim persistance two years on is proof that the British talent for imposing silliness on the rest of the world doesn't stop at Monty Python or Blackadder.

Thanks a bunch lads. You've cost me dozens of euros because Heinz's Tangy Tomato Pickle doesn't come in 100 millilitre jars. That's the maximum you're allowed to put in your transparent plastic bag because everybody knows islamic fundamentalists are so bad at chemistry, they couldn't possibly put the ingredients for a devastating state-of-the-art explosive in a container that's any smaller.

If something's too big to fit in the plastic bag - like the tomato pickle - it has to go in the hold. And guess what? In that case, they make you pay extra.

Unfortunately I can't blame the Dutch for that, as airlines the world over do more or less the same thing. Flash of insightWhat I do feel fully entitled to blame the Dutch for, is that while every major airport in every major city I've been to has offered these little plastic bags as a courtesy - empathizing with passengers who're reduced to an incredulous blubber by the sheer silliness of the rule - Eindhoven Airport in the Netherlands has had a sudden flash of insight.

Why make the bags available for free, someone must have thought, if you can force passengers who're hurrying through customs to go into a shop first, queue patiently at the counter and lay down some of their heard-earned cash? I'm sure it's only a matter of time before the airport shop raises the price to ten or twenty euros per plastic bag. Because faced with the prospect of missing their flight, passengers will pay. That's the free market at work, and if you don't like it you can move to North Korea.

Ironically, the one time my wife and I were caught with liquids in our hand luggage - a gigantic jar of Marmite with Guinness extract to be precise - the customs officer at London's Gatwick Airport let us through anyway. And rightly so. Marmite is one of the last great British institutions, and any tourists spreading its joys abroad should be warmly applauded, not punished. Cynical ployAll the same, go figure.

Somewhere between Britain and the Netherlands, the original intention of the liquids rule was somehow lost in translation as it morphed from a useless but relatively harmless strategy for preventing terrorist attacks into a useful if rather cynical ploy for making money. You could say it's the Dutch equivalent of Chinese whispers.

The other way around, though, that can actually be a source of serious problems. Just ask former development minister Eveline Herfkens. She's brought undying shame on the Netherlands by being the third Dutch official in quick succession to have made a dog's dinner of a senior position at the United Nations.

The first was Ruud Lubbers, who was sacked from the UN refugee agency for fondling one of his employees.

And the second was Ad Melkert, who's still hanging on by a thread at the UN Development Programme after president Bush's moustachioed goon John Bolton moved in for the kill.

Ms Herfkens was in charge of the UN's Millennium Goals, which aim to alleviate poverty. But the only poverty she's alleviated so far is her own...or so the American accusations go. In addition to being paid by the UN, she let the Dutch government pick up the rent of her expensive New York apartment, even though double dipping is strictly against UN rules. And when she started working part-time, she used all kinds of dubious loopholes to hold on to perks like flying first class.

Dutch culture

Her fight to retain those perks was no doubt a lot more heroic than her fight for the Millennium Goals. All the same I feel sorry for Ms Herfkens. Because the idea that once you've won a privilege you can hold on to it until retirement is deeply ingrained in Dutch culture. Just as deeply as the notion that there's nothing wrong with making money from annoying bureaucratic rules that most other countries would approach with at least a modicum of sensitivity. Or the notion that fondling is a way of showing sincere appreciation and not an attempt to extract sexual favours.

Heck, I get fondled here almost every day. So if Ms Herfkens says she's done nothing wrong, I believe her. And if she decides to use the last of her business class tickets to fly back to the Netherlands, I hope she won't feel too sad. Or if she does, that she doesn't cry more than 100 millilitres at the airport. Or else they might not let her through customs.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are the personal views of the author, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Radio Netherlands.